


The holy trinity: Sexuality, Love and Rock&Roll

by Miss17Understood



Category: Original Work
Genre: Canon Lesbian Relationship, F/F, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Sex, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, POV Lesbian Character, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-04-28 08:04:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14444937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss17Understood/pseuds/Miss17Understood
Summary: Ya know, I always thought of myself as straight my entire life. Not once have I had a “gay experience” as they called it on some of the online forums. Nothing major that jumped out at me that said, “Hey you’re gay as fuck!”. However, the more I reflected and looked back at the memories that I repressed for years, it all started to make sense and that’s what scared me the most.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story I decided to continued from my creative writing class, so I hope you enjoy!

Prologue

Ya know, I always thought of myself as straight my entire life. Not once have I had a “gay experience” as they called it on some of the online forums. Nothing major that jumped out at me that said, “Hey you’re gay as fuck!”. However, the more I reflected and looked back at the memories that I repressed for years, it all started to make sense and that’s what scared me the most.

 It was making way too much sense, but what do you expect? I grew up a strict Catholic home and went to a private Catholic all girls schools. When I went to church, I heard the stories. I stopped talking to several childhood friends because they got shipped off to Jesus camp with a half-hearted wave and a disapproving nod from the church. I would be knocking at Satan’s front door if I even thought about another girl; so, I repressed it all.

My wondering gaze in the locker room, finding myself befriending the pretty girls just so I could admire them without anyone noticing, the times when I would kiss a boy and find myself dreaming of a girl version of him or one of my friends, sleepovers that turned into experiments that would end with the girls saying “ew” while I found myself yearning for more. I was blinded; blindfolded by my faith, my family and the church. I repressed it all and turned it into burning hate which then turned to angry red cuts on my ankles. I guess I didn’t want my core identity to be shaken, I didn’t want to face the crumbling walls that I build up my entire life. The walls my family build up my entire life, but I knew I couldn’t run anymore.

I realized I couldn’t keep running the minute I step off the plane in California, I knew the minute I met my two best friends and started our band that running was no longer an option. I knew I was fucked when I stared into her beautiful blue eyes. I was far away from my home in New York and the chains that held me for so long seemed to loosen their hold. I found freedom in the physical form of a guitar.

I always played instruments since I was a child but only classical, I only got to pick up the guitar in freshman year of high-school after years of begging. Even then I only learned a few songs, approved by my father of course. What my father didn’t know was the fact throughout high school, I created my own form teenage rebellion.

In the dead of night, when I was sure the entire house went to bed; I would search the internet and go to sites such as Bandcamp and YouTube for a rougher sound. Metal stole my heart, who knew songs about drowning in blood could have me dreaming about romance? With Metal came looking up more things and I stumbled across Goth and punk culture. It resonated with me; but I knew under my father’s gaze I would never be able to explore and experiment. So, that’s why I chose Musicians Institute in California.

It felt like my father and I were fighting my entire Junior year about my decision. Finally, after I showed how serious and determined I was, did he finally backdown. My mom also had a hand in his decision to leave me be, after all he didn’t want to lose another child. So, I found myself creating a time clock in my head. Ticking down to the moment I would go off to college and finally become the person I could truly be. I wanted to rip off the mask and destroy it; college was the perfect stage, especially in California.

And this when the show begins.


	2. Destiny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Within the first months of school, I kindled a friendship with two girls that would have surely gave my father a heart attack if he ever met them back in New York. There was Destiny, a confident and no-nonsense figure with a heavy Brooklyn accent with a hint of her southern roots. Her voice hit me like a freight train the first day of Music Theory.

Within the first months of school, I kindled a friendship with two girls that would have surely gave my father a heart attack if he ever met them back in New York. There was Destiny, a confident and no-nonsense figure with a heavy Brooklyn accent with a hint of her southern roots. Her voice hit me like a freight train the first day of Music Theory. She gave me a sense of home and I felt a need to get to know her. Maybe I was feeling a little homesick, who knows?

As the first week went by, I noticed she would usually dresx in hot pink, and platform heels. If I had to give a name to her style, it would be some kind of fusion of pastel goth/punk and Ska punk. She had her hair braided and the bright pink and blue contrasted with her dark skin so beautifully. I had moment where I wanted to just yell she looked amazing, but my social anxiety took over and I just found a seat in the back of class to burrow myself in.

As usual, the teacher had started the class with an ice breaker. The minute Destiny started talking I felt like I was back home with my friends. (Who at that point haven’t even text or called me yet). It only took a week for me to slowly migrate from seat in the back to about mid row where she sat. Destiny recognized what I was doing pretty quickly and invited me to sit next to her, much to my surprise.

          “You know, you could just ask to sit next to me. I know I look overwhelming, but I don’t bite.” She said, a warm smile on her face. I shallowed hard but moved to the desk next to her.

          “Sorry, I’m uh still adjusting with a new school and such.” I said, my voice quiet and my eyes glued to the desk. I found myself feeling happy she didn’t find me weird, even though I am weird.

          She giggled then said. “Don’t worry girly, I’ll make this feel like home for ya.” I looked up at Destiny, the warm smile on her face brought one to mine.

          “So, uh you’re from New York?” I asked, kicking myself for using small talk. I hate when people use small talk to me, it’s awkward and I feel enough awkward in my own skin.

          “How can you tell? I always thought I sounded like a valley girl.” She joked, we shared a laugh. My shoulders finally went limp, I didn’t even know I was tensing up that bad. We talked until our professor finally showed up; who ended having to end class early due to personal issues. As we packed up our things, Destiny offered to buy me a coffee.  I may or may not have excitedly said yes and I may or may not have started kicking myself for being desperate for friends.

          Destiny patted me on the shoulder after seeing how fast I shut myself in. She then said with a laugh. “Ya know girly, it’s okay to be excited. After all, you’re meeting a future star.” She poked her tongue out to show she was joking, I appreciated her effort to help me feel comfortable, it was way more than my friends back home would do for me now that I’m thinking about it. We started heading to the café on campus once we gathered all stuff.

“So, uh what did you mean by future star?” I asked her after we ordered our drinks. Destiny bought an iced mocha while I just had a normal Hot chocolate.

“I’m really hoping to pursue a music career once I graduate, if that doesn’t work out then music teacher would be my second choice. I love kids so either one would be a good fit for me. It all depends where life takes me.” She said then took a sip of her drink. A smile broke out on my face at the mention of music career.”

“You too! I want to form a metal band!” I said, excitement seeping into my voice. I saw people turn to look at us, so I slid into my chair and covered my face with my cup. Destiny laughed off the awkward air, she was so much more carefree than I ever could be.

Destiny then asked me as she swirled her drink with a straw, “What type of metal band?” I put down my cup then leaned over; putting my arms down on the table.

“Well, I was thinking of either black metal or metal core.” I said, Destiny smirked and leaned back in her chair.

“You looking for a drummer girly?” She asked, I nodded.

“Yea, after all you wouldn’t call just a guitarist/growler a band.” I joked, twisting some of my long hair around my finger. Destiny laughed then leaned on the table with me.

“Well, if I can get my parents to agree to bringing my set up here. I’ll be your drummer.”

“Seriously?” I asked, Destiny nodded with a big smile on her face.

“You just gotta hunt for a bassist now, you’ll have yourself a band.” Destiny said.

“Well if it’s this easy then I shouldn’t have a problem.” I joked, we both shared a laughed. After having coffee, we decided to walk around campus to kill sometime before classes. We exchanged numbers then went our separate ways. I would have to say we hit off and you know what they say; the rest was history.


	3. Ruby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now there was my roommate, Ruby. She personified everything I wanted to be. I was drawn to her like a moth to a bright light; she looked exactly how I felt. The spikes, the studs, fishnets, mesh, the piercings, combat boots and the black lipstick; all rolled into one badass rocker chick with resting bitch face syndrome.

Now there was my roommate, Ruby. She personified everything I wanted to be. I was drawn to her like a moth to a bright light; she looked exactly how I felt. The spikes, the studs, fishnets, mesh, the piercings, combat boots and the black lipstick; all rolled into one badass rocker chick with resting bitch face syndrome. The left side of her head was shaved while the rest flowed down the right side in wavy curls.

          We didn’t really talk the first day other than introductions, that resting bitch face was super intimating actually. We kept to ourselves and never got into each other ways. That changed though the moment I brought in posters to help make my side of the room a little more homey I guess. I started with my Marilyn Manson poster.

          “I didn’t peg you as a Marilyn Manson fan.” Ruby said, which made me jump because I didn’t expect her to speak to me.

          “O-oh yea, I fell in love with his spooky kids era of music. Then I just kinda fell the rabbit hole” I said with an awkward laugh as I turned to face her. I saw Ruby’s face brighten up a bit before she turned back to her sketchbook.

          “Cool, maybe we can listen to his new album later if you’re up for it.” She said as she continued her sketch.

          I smiled and said a little excitedly, “I would love that… would you like to eat dinner together today, maybe.”

          “Depends what’s in the dinning hall, but I’m game.” Ruby said, her focus strictly on the sketchbook at this point. I patted myself on the back for not being too weird for once in my life. Ruby shut her sketchbook and got off her bed.

“Come on, let’s go see what they got.” She said as she headed for the door after slipping into her combat boots.

“Wait already? I was just about to put up my posters.” I said but still jumped off my bed to follow her.

“Don’t worry about it, I help you as we jam out to Manson’s new album.” She said as she opened the door. “Now hurry before I leave you.” I smiled and slipped into my black and white converse before following her to the dining hall. After a long conversation about our favorite bands in the dining hall, we went back to our room and as Ruby promised. She helped out with putting my posters up which included; Marilyn Manson, Slayer, Nirvana and Babes in Toyland.

“You know about Babes in Toyland? You really surprise me, little Miss Rich.” Ruby said, a small smile on her face.

“Is it my looks that deceived you?” I asked as I fell back on my bed. Ruby nodded as she hopped onto her bed. She turned on her TV and switched it to the USA channel which had wrestling on it.

“You watch wrestling?” I asked.

“Yea, it helps me channel my anger a bit plus some of the storylines are so dramatic they mirror a soap opera.” She said, I only nodded. We sat in silence for a bit, Ruby focusing on wrestling and me trying to get some homework done.

“Oh shit!” Ruby yelled which made me jump. “Holy shit, you should watch this!” I looked over to the screen to see these two dudes going at it verbally.

“The bitches be flying tonight.” Ruby said while bouncing on her bed excitedly.

“So, uh what’s going on?” I asked, having no idea why these two men were cutting into each other so bad.

“Well, the short version of this is, that’s John Cena. He is the face of WWE right now, you know the guy that basically makes WWE all their money. Then there is Roman Reigns who is being pushed as the next face of WWE. This is a storyline that tends to be repeated in WWE a lot but it’s a storyline that is timeless. So, basically John Cena is telling Roman Reign that he can’t be the face of the company until he beats him and shows he is ready to take the torch. You follow me.”

“I guess.” I mumbled, still very confused but Ruby was clearly excited so I let her continued.

“Alright, so then Roman who is personally my favorite is like “nah fuck that, I don’t gotta prove nothing” and this basically their back and froth but trust me. This is intense because WWE never allows bitches to be flying like this. So, this feud means business.” Ruby said. “Hey, if they ever come near us. Would you be willing to go with me?”

“Uh sure, why not it seems like it would be a lot fun.” I said, not wanting to turn her down and lose a possible friend.

“Sweet! Now I’m so ready for a show to come here!” Ruby said as she bounced a bit more on her bed before she turned back to the TV. I smiled and decided to watch along with her. She happily answered my questions as I asked, I felt like by the end of the night we had really connected.

Who knew something like wrestling would help me gain a new friend.


	4. Chapter 4: The beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Destiny managed to convince her father to bring up her drum set from home. “I’m my daddy’s princess, I practically have him wrapped around my finger.” She joked as we waited in the part of the Quad that faced the parking lot.

Destiny managed to convince her father to bring up her drum set from home. “I’m my daddy’s princess, I practically have him wrapped around my finger.” She joked as we waited in the part of the Quad that faced the parking lot. Destiny then sighed before she spoke. “but now, I gotta go home for Thanksgiving, my ma would never let me hear the end of it if I didn’t.” She turned to look at Ruby and I, “what are you two going to do?”

“The more time away from my mother, the better.” Ruby said, she didn’t even look up from her sketchbook. The wind blew her page and she cursed under her breath. “When the fuck is your dad going to show up?” Destiny only shrugged before looking at her phone to check her text messages.

“My father is expecting me to come back for every break.” I mumbled.

“Lame!” Ruby said, she poked her tongue out at me. I pushed her playfully, she kicked me back.

Destiny shook her head at us then said. “Well lucky for us, I got us a gig set up just before we would have to leave!”

“Wait seriously?” I asked, shock written across my face. Destiny nodded with a smile.

“Bullshit!” Ruby said, she barely looked up from her sketchbook.

“How did you get us a gig that quickly?” I asked Destiny who smiled at me then held a finger up to her pink painted lips.

“I would never reveal my secrets. Just know I got connections,” Destiny said, then sent us a wink. Ruby and I both rolled eyes, then we all looked up to the parking lock as a loud honk of truck resounded through the air.

“Aye that’s my pa! I gotta move my drums up to my room so I’ll see ya nerds later.” Destiny said as she got up the bench. We waved her off before I turned my attention to Ruby. I looked over her shoulder to see what she was drawing which she proceeded to move away from my vision. I frowned but said nothing, she will show me when she is ready. Then mind wondered to earlier in our conversation, what Ruby said about her mother struck me. My curiosity got the better of me, I tapped my fingers as I debated on bringing it back up.

“Soo.” I mumbled, Ruby turned her head to look at me. “I have a question.”

“If it’s about my mother, drop it.” Ruby said then turned back to her sketchbook. I frowned.

“First, how did you know and second, I’m curious.”

“Then don’t be.” She said, she chose to skip over my first question. I frowned and started pulling at a lose thread on the bottom of my dress.

“Why are you so cold?”

“Why do you have to ask so many damn questions.” She muttered. Ruby saw the frown on my face then sighed.

She closed her sketchbook and let the silence sink in before she spoke again. “… Sorry, but my mother is a really sour subject for me. In order to unlock my tragic backstory, you need to be at level 32 friendship.” I chuckled at her using video game jargon, she was deflecting but everyone deflects.

“What level am I now?”

“Hey that bird looks drunk.” Ruby said, she changed subject by using this bird that was stumbling along the quad much like a drunk old man who kicked out of the bar at last call. I frowned but everyone needs time to talk about certain issues, I decided not to push. A shiver ran up my spine and I looked over to Ruby who had goosebumps running up both her arms. I took a deep breath and stood up.

“You want to head back to our room?”

“I thought you would never ask.”


	5. Chapter five: First gig

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Look what my Pa decided to leave me with, the good old boy!” Destiny yelled as she hopped out of her truck. Ruby raised an eyebrow but started loading up our equipment in the back of the truck without a word. I decided to take my time and check out the old pickup truck.

 

           “Look what my Pa decided to leave me with, the good old boy!” Destiny yelled as she hopped out of her truck. Ruby raised an eyebrow but started loading up our equipment in the back of the truck without a word. I decided to take my time and check out the old pickup truck. You can tell that the truck had seen some shit in it hay day. Paint was chipping, exposing the metal underneath that was now rusting in certain areas. The color probably would have looked beautiful in the truck’s hay down, now seems dull. There were dents almost everywhere and the seats inside were tattered and exposing its yellow insides.

          “I need to fix it up, but Pa says it’s add character to the old boy!” Destiny said when she saw the look on my face. I went to reply but got cut off by Ruby.  

          “Are you two going to help me or what?” Ruby yelled from the back, she sent both of us a glare.

          “Nah, you got this.” Destiny said while sticking her tongue out. I walked over to the back and finished helping. We got everything packed in then seated ourselves in the truck. I closed my eyes and said a prayer to myself before looking at my bandmates.

          “Today’s the day guys! You ready to send shock waves through the underground!” I asked with a wide smile on my face. Ruby sent me a thumb up as she stretched herself out in the back seat.

          Destiny started up the truck and said, “You know it!” I smiled again and leaned back in my seat. Then we were off, after an hour drive; we made it to the underground skate park. It took us a while to unload everything, (mostly Destiny’s drum set). We set up in the underground skate park that was going to be our first stage. We worked hard on the song we were going to play tonight. I could only pray that our audience was going to see our hard work and passion. Soon people begun to show up, and in no time, there was energy running through the place. The owner of the underground skate park came over and said we can start whenever we were ready.

          I nodded at Ruby then Destiny before turning to the sea of black and metal in front of us. Destiny started the beat, I found myself swaying as I waited for our que to start. I let the music flow through me and out of my mouth, the word twisted and turned through the crowd. The crowd cheered and jumped to our music.

          The energy was electric, and my body felt like a mini earthquake was running through it. I let out the loudest yell as we finished our song, the crowd returned the energy. Ruby hugged onto me tightly, laughing and smiling. Destiny joined us, and we found ourselves jumping up and down in excitement.

          We quickly moved our equipment out of the way to let the next band set up and decided to enjoy the rest of the party. Destiny heard some people were handing out alcohol and was out of sight in seconds.

          “I’m going to go do what I know best.” Ruby said to me, I followed her glaze to a spiked hair goth guy, with tattoos and piercing everywhere.

          I shook my head and said, “do you girl, do you.” Ruby patted me on the shoulder, her attention fully on the guy.

          “Text me if you need anything.” Then she was gone, I decided to go into the mosh pit as the next band started their own set. Let me say, you haven’t truly lived until you experience a mosh pit, they are way more intense than YouTube videos led me to believe. Bodies everywhere, the energy is insane. I loved every minute of it, I knew I was going to be sore the next morning. You live it, or you regret it, I rather not keep living my life in regret.

          However, I overestimated how much I could handle. My vision begun to blur and spin, with my heart practically beating out of my chest. I knew I had to get some fresh air before I passed out or something. I tried breaking out of the pit, only for me to get push into the sea of people again. I tried knocking my way out but ended up slamming into a person’s chest. You know how in those weird anime scenes, you know the one. When the protagonist perfectly falls into a girl’s chest. I’m not saying that I watch those animes, the internet exposes you to a lot of crap. That is literally the only way I could describe the situation. I swear my face heated up to the point that I thought I was producing some steam from my cheeks. I looked up at the girl who caught my face with her breasts. She had shoulder length brown hair and these electric blue eyes; her face was soft, and heart shaped. She didn’t look like the type of person who would be in a scene like this, she looked like a brown-haired angel depicted in paintings that hung in my church back at home.

          I shook my head and it finally dawn on me that I was resting in a compete stranger’s chest. I tried to pull away and said, “I’m so sorry!” Only for another person to knocked into me. Once again, I was pushed into this stranger’s breasts. She only laughed, I’m glad she was super chill about the situation because I was having a full-on breakdown in my head. It was like that scene from SpongeBob where all the tiny versions of him were running around while an alarm is going off. That was literally my brain and I had gone completely blank.

          My heart felt like it was trying to jump out of my chest through my mouth as I met the girl’s eyes again. I couldn’t help thinking in that moment ‘is this what a heart attack feels like’. Somehow, I figured I wasn’t getting out this with my dignity intact whatsoever. So, I should have done what any rational human being would do. Apparently, I am not a human being because this is what came out of my mouth before I realized. “You have really nice boobs.” Nice job you damn idiot, that would have been something great to say if it was a friend but to a complete stranger. I felt like I was going to get slapped or punch; which I totally would have deserved.

           However, the girl just laughed again, and I sighed in relief that she wasn’t offended. She offered me another smile and said “Thanks, I try my best.” I smiled back and this time, successfully pulled away. Now that I wasn’t cushioned in a stranger’s boobs, the room seemed to spin even more than before. I felt the sudden urge to puke and I reached out to steady myself before I went crumbling to the floor. I ended up grabbing onto the stranger’s shoulders. She gave me a concerned look as she grabbed my arms to steady me.

            “Hey, let’s go outside. You look like you need some fresh air.” She suggested. I could nod as a response as I tried to focus on not covering her in my vomit. I followed her outside, the cool air hit me and instantly cooled me down. I could finally breathe.

          “You don’t do this very often, do you?” The girl asked me as she continued to hold onto my arm. She led me over to a wooden bench outside and sat me down.

          “This is my first time… first time doing anything crazy like this that is.” I said. “It’s intense, like way more than the internet could ever express.”

          “Mosh pits tend to be, but you’ll get use to them.” She said, then gave me a smile. “By the way, my name Matilda. Most of the time people just call me Matt though, I actually prefer that.”

          I smiled back. “Alexandria, but I go by my stage name Alex.”

          “It’s so great to meet a pretty girl who also kick ass at the guitar.” Matt said, I blushed and looked down. Matt sat next to me, our knees touched, and electricity sparked through me. 

          “T-thanks, my band and I worked hard on that song.”

          “And it really shows, I hope I can see you guys more, especially you.” Matt said, moving closer to me. Our fingers touched; my breathing hitched, and I balled my hands into fist. I tried to laugh off the awkward air surrounding me; my heart sped up once again and I kept my eyes to the floor. “Can I have your number? I would love to jam out with you sometime.”

          “Seriously?” I paused and looked at Matt, she gave me another smile that sent my cheeks ablaze once again. “Yea, uh.” I stood up from the bench and fumbled for my phone. Only for me to drop it like the big goof I am. Real smooth Alexandria, real smooth. I went to pick it up at the same time Matt did, our hands touched. I flinched away, Matt looked me in my eyes. “I’m sorry!”

          “Why?” She asked with a laugh then handed my phone back.

          “I’m too clumsy.”

          “I think it’s cute.” Matt said then leaned in, I took a step back. She frowned, I chewed on my bottom my lip.

          “I.. I think you have the wrong idea, I’m straight. Like straight, straight.” I quickly said, then glanced down. Matt popped her tongue.

          “Oh, I see. I’m sorry about that, but I would still like to jam out with you. If that’s still okay?” In the back of my mind, a little voice screamed at me no, while my heart screamed at me yes.

          I took a deep breath and looked Matt in the eyes. Those blue eyes filled with life sent a dagger through my heart. It hurt, but it hurt in a way that made me want more. I found myself getting lost in Matt’s eyes more and more. I had to make a decision, it was either now or never. I swallowed the lump in my throat, the rational part of my brain arguing with the emotional side caused a split. But I knew the moment Matt’s laugh reached my ears, the way I got lost in her eyes, the way my heart sped with the sound of her voice. I knew I was going to make the stupid decision of signing a contract with my blood.

         “Sure, what’s your number?” I pulled out my phone and held it out to Matt; I swear I was visibly. She smiled as she took it, our hands touched for just a few seconds. It was just enough to send my heart into another frenzy. Matt put her number in and handed my phone back.

          “Matt! What the fuck are you even doing! We literally only have 30 seconds till we are on!”

          Matt and I turned to the entrance of the skate park where the voice came. Standing at the entrance was a short and almost deathly skinny goth girl with short choppy hair; fishnets, mesh, piercings, pale as fuck, all the nine yards. She was sending death glares at Matt with her arms crossed and foot tapping. “Stop being a useless lesbian and get your ass in here. You know how Casey gets before a set!”

          Matt smiled as she rubbed the back of her head. “Sorry Anita, I’ll be right there. You don’t have to get your panties in a bunch.” The girl Anita huffed but walked back into the skate park without another word.

          “That seem a little mean.” I mumbled and looked at Matt.

          “Oh Anita, nah that’s just who she is. You should worry if she not insulting you.” Matt said with a laugh. “Honestly, she sounds harsh but she a sweetheart.” I nodded with a smile, we then stood there in awkward silence for a bit.

          “I hope to see you around.” Matt spoke up finally, I could only nod. She gave me a smile then turned to go back into the skate park. She sent me another smile and a quick wave before disappearing into the darkness. I stood there watching, unable to function like a normal person for the third time that night.

           I reached up to my neck and grabbed onto the cross that hovered just over my heart; cupping it with both hands. My legs begun to buckle, and I dropped to my knees. It remind me of the old church ladies who caught the holy ghost during Sunday service.

“Holy shit.”


	6. But I’m not gay!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, the baby has caught the gay!

“Holy shit.” I mumbled to myself, I felt like I was frozen in place. Unable to move from my spot on the ground as thoughts raced through my mind. What was those feelings? Am I gay? I can’t be gay, I can’t be gay! If I’m gay, then I will just end up like-

  
“You okay there girly?” Destiny asked, her voice breaking me out of my thoughts that were soon going to turn dark. I looked up to see Destiny bending over to be at eye level with me, she gives me a drunken smile that somehow calms my nerves a bit. Despite her dark skin, I could see that her cheeks were flush and smell the alcohol on her lips. She was clearly hammered, I blinked a few times as I realized I should probably answer her question. How do I answer when I don’t even know the answer myself? Destiny looks at me, tilting her head a bit as she read my face. I tried to form words until Ruby comes to save the day without knowing it. 

“Be careful Des, you’re drunk as hell.” Ruby said as she walked up, Destiny giggled and stood up straight. 

“Don’t worry, I’m a functional drunk. Now back to you girly.” Destiny looked down at me. “Did something happen?” I swallowed hard and once again tried to think of something to say, anything to say!

“Yea, I just got overwhelmed in there.” I said, my voice quiet barely over a whisper. That seemed enough for Des since she just smiled warmly at me and held out her hand to help me up. 

“Well, I think it is time to get you home.” Destiny said, I took her hand and she helped me to my feet. “But as Ruby said, I am drunk as hell and can’t drive.” 

“Not it!” Ruby yelled as she headed over to the van to start loading our equipment into the back of the truck.

“I guess I’m driving them.” I said, Destiny pats me on the head while giggling. 

“You’re such a great friend.” Destiny said while giggling, she tried walking towards the truck and stumbled. I reached out and grabbed her before she could go face first into concrete. 

“Told you she was trashed.” Ruby said before she ran over to help me carry Destiny over to the truck.

“You guys are the bestest friends ever.” Destiny said while she pulled Ruby and I closer and kissed both our cheeks. 

“You’re a cuddly drunk that’s for sure.” Ruby said while put Destiny in the back of the truck. Ruby went into Destiny pocket and pulled out the car keys before throwing them at me.It was an uneventful ride back to campus and we were pretty quiet as we took Destiny up to her room. I laid Destiny down on her bed while Ruby got her heels off, I’m impressed she could even walked in those. Ruby and I headed back into our dorm with a word, we were both tired and my mind was too busy buzzing.   
We got undressed and ready for bed, I laid there for a while staring up at the ceiling. After an hour of just staring up at the ceiling, I heard movement from Ruby’s side of the room. 

“Hey Ruby, are you awake?” I asked, then turned onto my side so I could look over. 

“Unfortunately, my insomniac is acting up again.” Ruby mumbled then turned onto her side, so she could face me. I swallowed the lump in my throat then opened my mouth. 

“Can I ask you a question?” 

“Shoot.” 

“Are… you into girls?”

“Ha, is it that obvious?” She laughed as she sat up in bed, she reached over to her desk and grabbed her sketchbook. “Then again, I do dress like a lesbian.”

“I wouldn’t say that.” I stuttered, caught off guard by her question. It was innocent question, but at least I got the answer I wanted. “H… how did you know you liked girls?” 

“You got a girl crush?” Ruby asked with a small smirk on her face as she turned the pages in her sketchbook. My cheeks heated up and I tried to cover myself by rambling and making excuses, but Ruby held up her hand silencing me. “Chill little miss rich, chill. Your family isn’t here to crucify you, just answer my question.”  
I went silent for a minute before I spoke. “Yea… at least I think so.” Ruby nodded before she reached over for a sharpie and pencil. 

“Well, to tell you the truth. I have always been interested in girls, more so than boys when I was growing up.” Ruby said as she begun tracing lines on the page with the sharpie.

“However, that was just me. Everyone is different with the way they figure it out.” I nodded and then before I realized it, I was talking. 

“I met this girl tonight, she was… breathtaking.” 

“Gay!” 

“Can you let me talk?” I asked, with a pout on my face. Ruby chuckled and waved me off. 

“Chill, I was joking. You can continue.” 

“Well… she was breathtaking, different and really cool. It didn’t help I kept getting pushed into her chest.” I said then looked over to Ruby, she was nodding as she begun erasing the page furiously. I continued. “I gave her my number.” 

“And you don’t know how to process your feelings because you heard your whole life that being gay is a sin and blah blah blah.” Ruby cut in, I looked at her with a frown. Ruby glanced over but continued when she saw I wasn’t going to say anything, 

“Been there, done that and have the scars to prove it. I see you also have the scars to prove it.” She said as she pointed at my arms, my cheeks heated up with embarrassment. I quickly covered my arms with my blanket then bit my lip as I looked up to Ruby. Ruby said nothing, so I took my chance.

“When… when did you see them?” I asked, I stumbled a bit on my words.   
Ruby gave me this look then said. “We are sharing a room and I can’t even count own my hands how many times I have already seen naked or half naked.” 

“I thought I was good at hiding them.” I mumbled.

Ruby sighed then continued to talk. “I know how you’re feeling, trust me I really do. I never cut myself, but I acted out sexually in middle-school into highschool. Which then led to a lot of crappy situations and a bad reputation that followed me until I got here. I’m guessing your family is really religious?”   
I nodded and mumbled “My father is a devoted catholic, he even had my mom convert before they married.”   
Ruby smiled a bit then said “My mother was religious freak and fucked in the head probably. For many years I felt ashamed of my attractions to girls, then when I went to the internet. Another fear popped up, I became afraid of becoming the stereotypical predatory lesbian. So, I fell into this habit of messing with boys. As if to prove that I was the “most straight girl™”.” 

Ruby laughed but I could see the sadness in her eyes as she finished. “Looking back on it, it was quite sad.” 

I frowned and asked, “But you clearly gotten over that, right?”

She snorted then said with a nod “Yea after I realized, my attraction would always be seen as predatory, no matter what. I get treated as a sexual deviant and even worst, wishy washy because I am attracted to both guys and girls.”   
Ruby looked at her sketchbook, the sad look in her eyes turned to one of content. “Once I realized that, I decided to be more truthful to myself. I developed this way of thinking going into my sophomore year. As long as I know I am, fuck what the rest of the world thinks of me. I also said fuck my mother at that point. As long as I’m true to myself I will find people who accept me for me. I then learned that I had the choice to choose my family who cared more me than my own mother. I realized If I wasn’t going to be accepted, then I would be damn if I continued to let them have me.” In that moment, it felt like my world had opened up for me.   
I never felt so much respect for someone than in that moment, there was something about what Ruby said. Power, yes power seemed to radiate from her, and I found myself for once not being scared to be who I am. I wanted it to stay like that. 

She then stood up and walked over to my bed as she said. “It’s going to be hard; life is unfair in that sense. You just gotta keep reflecting and changing into the person you want to be. Even if it means going against what your family says. If they don’t accept you for who you are in the end, then they weren’t family to begin with. You have to sleep, wake up and live in this body every day; you don’t want to look in the mirror and wonder who looking back at you.”   
I smiled, tears coming to my eyes as Ruby’s words hit a special point in my heart. Ruby starts push me over, so she could sit next to me. I sat up give her more space. Ruby then placed her sketchbook down in front of us. 

“Here, you can look through it if you want. I focus a lot of my art around queer issues and loving women. I don’t know, maybe it might help you a bit. Normalize your feelings in a sense” Ruby said, I smiled and nodded. I was grateful that Ruby was willing to share something as personal as her sketchbook with me. We then spent the rest of the night, looking through Ruby’s sketchbooks. We talked and laughed, I never felt such warmth and love; not even from my family. I had never felt such a close connection with someone than in that moment, and I found myself wishing for the moon to stay high in the sky, so the night wouldn’t have to end. So, this moment wouldn’t have to end, and reality come crashing on top of me once more. 

“Hey Ruby.” 

“Yea?” 

“I think I know what I have to do.” 

“… I can only imagine what you have up your sleeve, but just so you know. I got your back no matter what happens.” 

“… Thanks, you’re a really great friend.” 


End file.
